before "home" becomes a place

So far it looks like i've found a place to stay...
Aspen Ridge ridge likes a little gel in his hair, he likes the gym because it gives him those muscles. He likes those muscles because of the girls they attract. He likes the girls because they look like they would be fun to sex, or at least his friends will say so when they come over to watch The Game.
Branbury is a good girl, she would never touch a beer and wouldn't be caught dead in a halter top. You should check out the new v-neck she just bought. It has long sleeves so her mom thinks it's cute yet the neck falls low, eagerly showing him that she's ready to get crazy.
Academy Arms must be the most obedient kid I know. He keeps the commandments with a fervour that would make The Law of Moses jealous, he is faithful in his calling, he remembers his mission every week in sunday school, he doesn't let a week slip by without bagging the mandatory date, he wants to get married with all his heart. How long has he been in the ward anyway?
I seem to get along fine with all of them we go snowboarding, talk after class, play frisbee. I don't identify with them. I don't want to be them. I just need a place to sleep, a space to think, a spot to hang my toys. I expected to sign a contract which enumerated my rights to the facilities and the financial repercussions. I didn't foresee the social compact which they would try to get me to sign with the blood of my personality.
...I'm still looking for a place to live.

on the way home

When you know what you want but you won't let yourself try to get it.
When you know what you're looking for but you don't know how to find it.
that's the little hell i come to find myself in between the good days.
that's the hell i dig deeper when i don't build during the good days.
Finding out that guys who went to school too long call that depression and
Finding a way to patch the holes and throw ropes over the chasms between the good days.
Is learning to find what i'm looking for and letting myself try to reach it.
Is learning to find what i'm looking for and letting myself try to reach it?

nothin' to say but i'm gonna say it

Sometimes a guy just needs to run his mouth. If only could talk my sh!? like Brother Ali...

As of Late (the past 22 years)

Have you ever just needed to leave? When your mind longs to roam yet never wants to arrive and knowing this you generally stay put?

I haven’t since the last time I was lonely



In the meantime, I admit I had my moments. I knew I wanted to be with her. Unfortunately, at times, I fit into my circumstances like a four year old into his father’s crisp white shirt. No mater how cute this may sound it is quite unlike the endearing image of the little sister happily clumping around in her mother’s heels. I, already feeling the responsibility and worry carried in the threads of the shirt he wore to work wished for an escape, a midlife crises unearned. In my selfishness I waited for her to take off the starched weight. I sighed as one button at a time her loving hands freed me from the shirts oppressive grasp and she slid me back into the slim fit shirt of more careless years. At times weeks would pass without care and then, unwarned she would turn to see me sitting miserably up to my neck in buttons and cotton. And I not taking so much as the pains of loosening the collar.



She says, “It’s time you learned to dress yourself.”

I agree.



So once again my mind walks, steps out the front door, puts a hat on its head and, while only steps way has already disappeared into the distance. My mind walks because my body needs to think. My mind walks because it thinks too much. My mind walks because thinking is what got me into this mess in the first place. My mind walks because it needs to know how I can wash the connotation from these starched cotton threads. My mind avoids destination because it has no eyes to see when my wardrobe is acceptable.

God Speaks in Italics

One day i asked god why are people so uptight

He turned to me and said

Why do you like to be alone

Do I

Tell me about what you remember from being a kid

I was in the front seat of our truck playing with my bouncy ball
It was almost as big as my hand
Or maybe small
That's not important
I threw it out the window and turned to watch it bounce over the boulevard
Or railroad tracks
Or both
We soon sold the truck whose engine shortly blew up
My dad gave the guy his money back but i don't actually remember that

So it doesn't really count then does it

No
Not really

Anyway
You were saying

Pulling into our parking spot was probably The first time i could see where we we're going out the back window
as i waited for someone to open The tailgate of our Volvo wagon i could see The hotel
But could i see the brown house and The shag carpet
Could i see The baseball game where we bought the biggest hot dog in The
By The i mean my
World
Were The family walks clutching my stuffed polar bear reflected in The windows of The hotel

Probably not

No
i didnt really think so

I tucked in my shirt religiously
Now i can't stand it

My mom buzzed my hair to make clean up easier
Now i feel like sampson every time i get a haircut

I had a crush on the neighbor girl
I was planning to baptize her when i returned home from my mission so we could get married
I was four
She was twelve
She had a little sister
I wasn't interested

I rode on a train with my dad
I  snuck out of primary to go sleep in the vacant nursery

I watched the sword in the stone when mom and dad were house hunting in MN
We watched the great mouse detective in theaters
We went to the library to check out books and records
Mom read us the books
The record player did too
Either way i liked the pictures

We made homemade juice boxes out of cups and plastic wrap to go visit mom in the hospital
Then we had a sister
and mom had a scar

Mom would take me everywhere on the back of her bike
One time she crashed
I don't remember it hurting but i do recall not wanting to ride in the ambulance so my dad drove me in our plymouth reliant

Don't you know all of this

Yeah
And you left out heaps

Then why'd you ask

Do you remember what was bothering you 

Ummm not really

Touche

well played

Well 
have a nice night

Yeah you too
Thanks

Little Room - The White Stripes

 So one day i was just chillin' rolled up in a nice warm womb. i was caught between planning the adventures of the day and taking a nice nap when, unexpectedly, someone ripped open the shades and unceremoniously yanked me out of bed and through the open windows. Then the same cat that has the nerve to tare me off the can, holds me up by the feet and slaps me square on the butt. Did i cry? Of course i cried, i stayed up all night playing xylophone on the inside of mom's ribs then some punk comes in with a knife to disrupt my solitude and there i am hanging upside-down staring at my mother laying on a hospital bed with a gaping wound in her abdomen, what would you do? Plus, he didn't even give me time to wipe.